The Ultimate Guide to Wedding Gift Etiquette
Buying presents can be a vexing task, especially when it comes to weddings. We rarely know what to buy, let alone how much to spend on a wedding gift. You need to take multiple variables in to consideration, such as age, personal preference, your relationship with the couple, whether the wedding is themed or not, and many more. Here, we present our ultimate guide to buying a wedding present, guaranteed to help anyone out of a tight spot.
The first thing you have to remember is this: when it comes to wedding gift etiquette, there are three main questions that need to be answered.
· How much do I spend?
· What do I buy and where from?
· Is it alright to give money?
These are the Big Three Questions. Of course, there are many other, smaller questions; but don’t worry, we will cover these as well. Our guide will also include a list of possible wedding gift ideas, because we know better than anyone how elusive inspiration can prove when you are present shopping.
The Big Three Questions
Whatever wedding you attend and whatever your relationship to the couple, buying a gift will require serious thought. Most people make mistakes and buy awful presents, like the classics gravy boat and punch bowl, which will never be appreciated, used or remembered.
That’s because people tend to think about the details first. But things like “will they use this?”, “do they already have this?”, “will this pink umbrella stand go in their living room”, are criteria to be checked off your list later on. There are general questions that may offer you a helpful starting point - we'll call these The Big Three Questions.
#1 How much to spend on a wedding gift?
This is the logical starting point. Once you’ve got this settled in your mind, everything else will stem from it. Not all weddings are the same, so it's not always appropriate to spend the same amount of money . Here are some criteria to help you with your decision.
This article in The Guardian offers a helpful insight into how much people spend, on average, on wedding gifts. To give you some examples, some under 24-year-olds spend £58 on average, while those aged 35 to 54 spend an average of £39 on a gift.
· If you are invited as a single or go solo as a choice, you can get then a smaller present. If you are going with a plus one, go in on a present together and double your money.
· If you are choosing from the couple’s registry, follow the “rule of the middle”. Never buy the most expensive or the cheapest item on that list.
· The sum to spend can also be deduced from the relationship you have with the couple, as follows: £30-£50, if you are a colleague, distant family friend, used to go to college with one of the newlyweds or have a business relationship with any one of them; £50-£75 if you are friends with either one of them or a relative and £100-£150 if you are a close friend or belong to the close family circle. But don't forget: you can always go above that, if you have that kind of money and want to buy a very expensive gift.
· Take into consideration what you can afford. Even if you are a close friend or relative, if you are short, there is no need to get a loan from the bank for a wedding present. The couple will understand if you cannot stretch to an overly expensive present.
· Don’t think that expensive is the best. Just because you spent a lot of money on a glass swan does not guarantee the couple will like it. No matter how much money you spend, make sure you remember to personalise the gifts.
#2 What do I buy, and where from?
As far as etiquette goes, there are a lot of rules when it comes to “what” specifically to buy:
· Remember that the registry list is your best friend, so stick to it. It was created especially for this purpose, to help you decide and make sure you get the couple something they actually want. It’s almost as if the couple wrote a very long wish-list and what better way to make them happy than by granting one of their wishes.
· Quirky gifts are not always a good idea. You must understand that a wedding is a formal event, where the couple will have invited their parents, their bosses, co-workers, maybe even clients, if they’re in business. So showing up with a giant stuffed gorilla because the bride wanted one when she was little may not be the way to go. However, if you are a very close, personal friend of the newly-weds and you know there is something quirky they want, but weren’t able to put it on the list, you can get it. But give it to them in private.
· Remember you are buying a present for a couple. So, if you’re, let’s say, a friend of the groom, you know he really wants the new GTA videogame - this is not a good wedding present. Buy something they will both enjoy.
· The one-year-rule. It does exist. It is not a myth. Guests do have a one year period after the wedding to send their present. BUT, here's the catch: don’t follow that rule. Sending a gift 12 months after the big event is a bit disrespectful towards the couple and what was the happiest event of their life.
#3. Is it alright to give money?
The answer – yes, but you need to be mindful of the circumstances. There are a number of reasons why couples actually prefer to receive monetary favors as opposed to presents and you would really help them out by doing so.
· More and more couple these days pay for their own wedding. The days when parents supported the whole thing seem gone now, as youngsters take matters into their own hands. There is a rule, though. Send a cheque before the wedding so that they don’t have problems with name changes.
· Cheques are the way to go if you decide to give it at the wedding itself. It appears a bit in poor taste to give cash in hand, in the middle of the wedding, but a check in an envelope is classy and stylish. However, do not expect to or ask the couple to open it right then and there.
· Another good idea is to give it to a close relative, like the bride or groom’s mother and father. The couple probable have a lot on their plate as it is, so giving it to someone else is preferable and, perhaps it will save you the awkwardness if you feel a bit off for giving money.
If you can answer these questions, you're probably well on the way to setting yourself a little gift-giving budget. But there are a number of other small details that need to be considered before making the actual purchase. Weddings nowadays are no longer a party for the family and a few friends. They’re a big event, which sometimes happens in another country or has a special theme. In the next section, our wedding gift guide, we will look at some of the gift-giving criteria that could thwart your present-buying plans.
Wedding Gift Giving: An Unbeatable Guide
#1. Does the wedding have a special theme?
Sometimes brides like to really make this day the most beautiful day of their lives and spice things up by adding a theme: Star Wars, Lord of the Rings, Under the Sea, Disney fairytale, or country. The possibilities are truly endless. Based on this, you have two options. You can get them a themed wedding gift as well, like a big Darth Vader cookie jar or his and hers hobbit bathrobes. You can also choose to play it safe and get a wedding present that is appropriate for all occasions such as dinner plates or book ends.
#2. Are you supposed to bring a gift to the bridal shower?
Not necessarily. It’s a modern day “tradition” to bring one, but it’s not widely spread. And even if guests do bring presents at the shower, it will mainly be small tokens, like champagne flutes, mugs or coasters.
#3. If you decide to bring a present at the bridal shower, how much should you spend?
For this, we have the special 20-20-60 rule you need to remember. Out of the budget you set for yourself in the first place, 20% goes to the engagement gift, 20% on the bridal shower and 60% on the actual present.
#4. If a wedding is overseas and you’ve already paid the travel and lodging expenses just to be there, do you still have to buy a gift?
Yes. Once you’ve agreed to attend, you’ve agreed to the costs. It’s just like agreeing to go to a wedding in the city and paying a taxi to get there, only on a much bigger scale.
#5. If a wedding is overseas and you’ve decline the invitation, do you still have to send a present?
Yes. It’s common courtesy and polite to do so. If you were invited, it means the couple wanted you to be there. Return the favor and send a present.
#6. If you have a plus one, should you spend more on the gift?
Yes. Two people cannot show up with a single item or a cheaper one. Ask your date to chip in for the wedding gift if you can’t afford it or don’t feel comfortable paying by yourself.
#7. What is the stand on DIY gifts?
Normally, it’s a no, but there are some exceptions. If you are close enough to the couple to know they actually want what you can make at home, go for it. But remember it has to be well thought of, because a drawing by your 5 year-old does not qualify as a DIY wedding gift. Also, if you happen to be a painter, sculptor, writer, musician or baker, absolutely go for it. Write the couple the song for their “first dance as husband and wife”, offer to bake their wedding cake and make it special, write an amazing poem for them or paint or sculpt something. Your present will be a hit, because it will come from the heart.
#8. Is it ok if you don’t bring a gift?
Not really. Wedding presents are important for a number of reasons: perhaps the couple is hoping to get some money to pay for parts of the wedding. Also, the registry list is usually filled with household items for the couple’s new home. In the same way, the gift shows you appreciate, cherish and respect them, not to mention the fact that they are buying you dinner, after all. So a gift, even a small one, is always a good idea.
#9. If the couple has specified “no wedding gifts”, should you really not bring one?
I’ve done some research on this topic to make sure you have the correct answer and it is “yes”. Anna Post, following in the footsteps of her great-great-grandmother, the amazing Emily Post, etiquette know-it-all, says it is completely appropriate to not give a wedding gift if this was the couple’s specific wish. Indeed, some people will ignore the request and still bring presents at the reception, but you should not feel bad. It is the way they want it. And be sure they have their reasons.
#10. If you are the one who paid for the bridal shower, do you still have to buy a present?
This can go either way. Normally, you should buy a present no matter what (except when the couple specifically asks you not to, as shown above). But if you plan on throwing the pre-wedding party and let this be your present, make sure you say so from the start. A small insertion in a conversation, e-mail or message like “it would be an honor for me to throw your bridal shower as a present” will save you from any awkward situation later on. But be careful about the wording.
#11. You have declined the wedding invitation, but have also forgot to send a present. What do you do?
Well, you are in a conundrum. The easiest way out of it would be to lie and say you did in fact send it and it didn’t arrive or blame it on the post office, but that is not recommended. They are your friends and you shouldn’t lie to them. So be honest and simply tell them you forgot, but that you will indeed be sending it. They will appreciate the honesty a lot more than receiving a lie and no present at all.
Standard Wedding Gift Ideas
Most of the wedding gifts couples register for or want to receive are linked to the new home they’re going to move into or the new life they’re starting together. So, in most cases, they request household items. If so, it is better if everyone sticks to the registry, otherwise the couple might end up receiving five toasters and 10 different sets of glasses.
However, if a registry doesn’t exist, because sometimes couples don’t know what to register for, the best way to decide is to divide the items by usage. So you have kitchen, bathroom, living room, bedroom, guest rooms, children’s room, if that is the case. Once you’ve figured out which category to choose from, remember all household objects are split into “every day” and “fancy use”. This will help you decide on the wedding gift amount you wish to spend.
As far as etiquette goes, it is alright to ask other guests to chip in, as long as you get the couple a significant present. Let’s say, for example, you know the couple really wants a set of these beautiful Azul dinner plates, which cost a little over £350. In this case, you and two or even three other people could pool your resources and buy the set.
Household items that can be given as wedding presents are divided as follows.
Kitchen items.
The possibilities for kitchen related presents are endless, but they can still be split into categories, in order to make it easier to buy the present. Remember to go about the shopping process in a logical fashion. In this way, in the kitchen you have:
· Cookware: Pans, skillets, sets, pans for sautéing, roasting pans, woks and stir fry pans. As far as etiquette goes, the sautéing pans, the wok and the stir fry pans are adequate wedding gifts for a young couple. If you are buying presents for a wedding anniversary of an older couple, let’s say 25th wedding anniversary gifts, it’s always best to stick to the classics.
· Drinkware: Glass sets, water goblets, pitchers, champagne flutes, beer mugs or glasses and the fancy glassware, like specials glasses for cocktails, Margaritas and Martinis. You can also get shakers, bottle openers or ice scoops. These ones make great wedding anniversary gifts, because they can be engraved with the number of years the couple has been married.
· Hot beverages: coffee and tea cups, kettles, sugar bowls, creamers or coffee machines
· Baking: cake tools, such as domes, pans, plates and cutters, aprons, cookie cutters and cooling racks, rolling pins or sheet pans.
· Pantry items: salt and pepper sets, spice racks, bread boxes, canisters, crocks or bowls and containers for storage.
· Serving: wooden spoons, pasta sets, salad tongs, serving platters or casserole dishes.
· Kitchen tools: utensils, spatulas, cheese cutters, scissors, timers, measuring cups, knife sets, vegetable peelers, colanders, ice cream scoops, graters or cutting boards.
· Bowls, which are a timeless classic with weddings: centerpieces, salad bowls, serving bowls or refrigerator bowls
· Linens: Kitchen towels, rugs, dish cloths, pot holders, trivets or oven mitts.
· Kitchen electric equipment: blenders, food processors, mixers, juicers, toasters, microwaves, slow cooker, Panini press or an ice cream maker.
Dining room items are always a welcomed addition to any new home.
· Furniture. It might be expensive, but some couples actually ask for it. In those situations where there is no registry list, but you want to purchase a piece of furniture, make sure to find out beforehand what the couple’s tastes are, as furniture is a very subjective item.
· Accessories: coasters, napkin rings, placemats, stemware, linens, wine racks or coasters.
· Decorations: paintings, sculptures, vases, candles, candlesticks, posters, lamps or pillows.
Bathroom.
It’s not the first thing that comes to mind when thinking about buying a wedding present, but it might prove to be a very cost-efficient, original and much loved idea.
· Bath mats, towels, robes, hooks, makeup mirrors, apothecary jar sets, shower curtains, scented candles, scales, soap and hand lotion dispensers, towel racks, washcloths or wastebaskets.
Bedroom.
The array of choices is big here as well, but again, seeing as it’s such a private room, make sure to purchase exactly what the newlyweds want.
· Blankets, pillow, sheets, duvets, comforters, curtains and their rods, decorative pillows, dust ruffles, mirrors, heated blankets, pillow shams, rugs, jewelry boxes, mattress pads, lamps, nightlights or alarm clocks. If what you are looking for are 50th wedding anniversary gift ideas, for example, go for a nice comforter or a vintage lamp, that will remind the husband and wife of the time when they got married.
Closet.
Another important part of the house which can transform into great inspiration for your gift buying sprees is the closet.
· Air purifiers, closet organizers, baskets, bins, steamers, ironing boards, laundry hampers, luggage sets, trash cans, travel bags, shoe racks or even vacuum cleaners.
Living room.
· Bookcases, book ends, candles, candle sticks, clocks, coasters, decorative storage items, electric heaters, fans, lamps, mirrors, ottomans, but make sure to check their existing furniture, picture frames, paintings, posters or sculptures. If you are trying to decide on wedding anniversary gifts by year, these are the items to go for: candles for youngsters, books and book ends for older couples.
Outdoor items.
There are also gifts you can buy for the outside, which are a bit less strict when it comes to design and patterns, meaning they don’t have to match perfectly with the rest of the house, like indoor items do.
· Gardening tools, flower pots, grills, hammocks, house numbers or signs, plants designed for landscaping, patio furniture, door mats, porch swings, rocking chairs, smokers, tool kits, walkway lights or door knockers. These make very good wedding gifts for parents, who do have a lot more free time on their hands for gardening than a young couple, for example.
Uncommon Wedding Gift Ideas
These are the traditional wedding anniversary gifts to choose from. But let’s take a look at the non-standard ones and shuffle some easy and inexpensive ideas, for the creative guests.
#1. Frame their wedding invitation and give it back to them. Choose a frame color-coordinated with the invitation. You can also add a hand written note on it so that they can forever have your thanks and well-wishes under the glass, in your very own penmanship.
#2. Speaking of framing things for the young couples, you could also buy some Scrabble tiles and nicely set their names and their wedding date on a board, which you can then frame.
#3. I’ve also found these lovely Harry Potter pillow cases you can buy as unique wedding gifts, if the bride and groom are a romantically nerdy couple. They will love it.
#4. Give them something that they can take care of, like a flower, a cat or a puppy. Please make sure to check with them, first because a live animal, no matter how cute, can be a burden if they don’t want it or don’t have the time to take care of it. However, if you were shopping for 50th wedding anniversary gifts, for example, a dog might be just what they are looking for.
#5. Personalized gifts are definitely big favourites when it comes to wedding favors. A toaster is pretty useful, indeed, but they will keep something you engraved for them forever. There are many options here: a set made of a charm bracelet for her and a flask for him. They can both be engraved with their names, each other’s names, their wedding date or the date they met. Or combine a set of cufflinks for him, another item preferred for engraving, with a pocket vanity mirror for her and have them both engraved with a meaningful, small message, such as “Always”, “Forever more”, “It was you all along” or “Never second best”. Champagne flutes are also a good idea. A set of two, for him and her, with their wedding date engraved is something they will definitely keep forever.
Wedding Shower & Bachelor Party Gifts
Wedding shower gift ideas don’t need to be big or expensive. But they do need to be bursting with personality, because this is where you, as a bridesmaid show just how much you love your friend and how honored you are for having been asked to be in this position.
#1. Make-up products. Have you seen the Cinderella collection from MAC, the ELF collection about Disney princesses or the Urban Decay Alice in Wonderland palette? You can do exactly the same thing for your bride. Ask a local shop to personalize an eye shadow palette case or blush box with the bride’s name or picture. She’ll absolutely adore it and be sorry when it’s over.
#2. On a big piece of white parchment, you and the other bridesmaids plant red lipstick kisses and then have it framed. Write your names under each set of pouty lips and gift it to the bride.
#3. Bridal candy and sweets. Personalize a bunch of sweets for the candy bar at the bridal shower. Include cupcakes in the bride’s favorite color and flavor, cookies cut in the shape of her name or a big cake with her and her fiancée’s picture on top. They also make great wedding party gifts, so you can shoot two birds with one stone.
#4. The bridal chalkboard is also a very interesting and fun bridal shower gift. Buy your bride a simple, classic chalkboard, for her to write on every day and count down the days she has left until she becomes Mrs. Prince Charming.
Bachelor Party Gifts
Moving on to manlier things, let’s see five ideas for the stag party gifts.
#1. Man candles exist and they are lovely. They’re called Man Cans, they’re cheap, just under £7 each and they come in a wonderful array of scents, such as Fresh Cut Grass, Memphis Style BBQ, New Car and Saw Dust.
#2. A watch is always a good idea. It doesn’t need to be a fancy, expensive one, just a simple watch, with the classic note “don’t be late” on it. This also makes for a very good first wedding anniversary gift, with another small card such as “look at the time, it’s already been a year!”
#3. Socks may seems simple, but a pair of socks for the groom to wear on the actual wedding day with a message on them saying “in case you get cold feet” is a funny, memorable and proper idea.
#4. Make him feel like the action hero of the movie that is his life and that his wedding day is the most important day in his superhero career, with these tie-clips, made for a special man. You can choose Captain America, Batman, Green Lantern or even The Hulk.
#5. Help him out and prepare him a “wedding-night” basket to enjoy with his bride. Think about its destination and fill the basket with champagne, chocolate strawberries, candles and anything romantic you can think of, which him and his new bride can enjoy together.
And that's your ultimate guide to the best wedding gifts. Everything you need to know, all the questions you had and maybe weren’t answered, ideas for all occasions and budgets, you can find all of it in this guide. One piece of advice: don’t forget to have fun with it. It’s a wedding, after all!
